Return of the Deadi
by Arriaquartz
Summary: Cheetos Solo needs to complete Jedi training by going to the R2-D2 Vegetable Planet where Yoda used to live. But something strange is going on...
1. Chapter 1

Return of the Dead

Chapter 1

One day Cheetos Solo was at the Jedi Temple. He was there with his uncle, Luke Skywalker, who was trying to train him to become a Jedi.

"What should I do next, Uncle?" Cheetos panted, sitting down. Uncle had been training him for over a month now, but this day was incredibly hot. It felt like the hardest day of training yet.

"Today you must go to the R2-D2 Vegetable Planet, where Yoda used to live." Uncle said to Cheetos. "Yoda's dead now, but I'm sure the planet still has tons of animals and monsters for you to fight."

"Darn it, I've always wanted to see Yoda. But now that he's dead, I'll never be able to!" Cheetos said. Tears gathered in his young eyes. He sniffed.

"Shut up and quit your crying!" Uncle barked at him. "Enough is enough! When I was young, I never cried, even when I found out that my dad was Darth Vader!"

"You're related to Darth Vader?"

"Shut up!"

"And what if I die on this stupid R2-D2 Vegetable Planet?"

"Just shut up and go to your parents! Tell them that you are leaving today."

"When today?" Cheetos asked.

Uncle checked his watch. "In exactly five minutes," he told Cheetos.

"Five minutes?"

"Well, it's four minutes and fifty seconds now, but yes, five minutes."

Cheetos raced home to his little cottage. His mother, Leia Solo, and his dad, Han Solo, were eating their breakfast.

"Mom! Dad! I have to leave for the stupid R2-D2 Vegetable Planet in... I think it would be four minutes now!"

His mom packed a lot of stuff for him. She packed a flashlight, a bouncy ball ("in case you get bored!"), a ton of food, a bobby pin ("you never know when you might need one!") and three gallons of water ("you may meet some new friends!").

Cheetos got into the jet with exactly seventeen seconds to spare. Uncle looked up at him, tucking a magazine under his seat.

"Ummm... you read _How to Find a Hot Wookie?"_

Uncle glared at Cheetos.

"Shut up!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Cheetos changed the subject. "Who's the pilot, Uncle?"

"A very good one."

"Yeah, but _who?"_

"Why would you need to know that?"

"Why are you not telling me?"

"Shut up!"

"Shut up yourself!"

"Fine, Cheetos," Uncle grumbled, "I'll tell you. The pilot is your father, the greatest pilot of all. The pilot is Han Solo."

"Why did you not want me to know that?" Cheetos asked.

"Shut up!"

Cheetos decided to drop the subject. He went to explore the ship. He passed a ton of rooms, and finally came to the room where his father was, controlling the ship.

"Dad?" Cheetos asked timidly. Dad jumped and turned around. When he saw it was only Cheetos, he relaxed.

"What is it, son?" he asked.

"Why didn't Uncle want me to know you were the pilot?"

"I think it was because he thought you would start crying or something. He thought you'd break down and make me keep you on or something."

"Dad?"

"What now?"

"Well, I was just wondering, why are we flying on this ship?" Cheetos asked his father.

"Do you have a problem with it?"

"Well, no offense, but this is a load of garbage."

Dad stared at Cheetos. "You sound just like your uncle. But this load of garbage, which by the way is called the _Millennium Falcon_, just might save your life someday, Cheetos. Remember that."

Cheetos went back to his seat, bored. Suddenly, he heard his dad call from the cockpit.

"We have company, Luke! I'm jumping to lightspeed!"

"Okay, Han!" Uncle shouted back. Then he turned to Cheetos. "Fasten your seatbelt, young boy. This is going to be a wild ride."

Cheetos fastened his seatbelt and pulled it tighter until he could barely breathe. He felt the _Millennium Falcon _start to move and closed his eyes tight, preparing for the worst to come.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Cheetos felt the _Millennium Falcon _moving faster and faster. He soon felt as though his skin was peeling off. Cheetos saw the stars out the window racing by, and now knew what Dad meant by lightspeed. He looked at Uncle, who didn't seem to notice anything unusual or how fast the ship was going, or even how he himself was gripping the edges of his seat.

"What is it, Han?" Uncle called up to the cockpit.

"Stormtroopers, but they're gone now!" Cheetos heard his father shout back.

"Stormtroopers?" Uncle shouted. "But they don't even exist anymore!"

"Tell that to them!" Dad called. "I know they aren't supposed to exist, but they were trying to kill us anyway!"

"Maybe they're zombies!" Cheetos said. "Cool!"

"Shut up!" roared Uncle. "This is _definitely not cool!"_

"But they're zombies!"

"Shut-"

"Shut up, both of you!" Dad called from the cockpit.

"Hey, that's my line!" Uncle whined.

"Just be quiet!" Dad screamed.

"What?" Cheetos and Uncle said together.

"We are approaching the R2-D2 Vegetable Planet," Dad said. "Soon...we will be

landing."

Cheetos and Uncle sat down and fastened their seatbelts. Landing was very bumpy, but soon they landed by a...swamp?

"You should have told me to bring my raincoat," Cheetos told his dad.

"Which one?" Dad asked. "You have twenty-seven."

"The yellow one. With the rubber ducky on it."

"Shut up!" Uncle said. "You must survive here for nine million years to complete your Jedi training."

"Really, Uncle?"

"No, just a week."

"Good-bye, Cheetos!" Dad called as he got into the _Millennium Falcon._ "Survive, okay?"

"Sure, Dad!"

"And always remember to brush your teeth!"

"If I have to!"

With that, the _Millennium Falcon _took off into space, leaving Cheetos alone with his very heavy pack.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Leia, Cheetos' mom, looked out the window of their small hut. She hoped her son was all right. What if something horrible happened? What if Cheetos was tortured? She herself had been tortured before, and it was no picnic. What if he was attacked by carnivorous breakfast pastries? Anything could happen on the R2-D2 Vegetable Planet, even strange things.

Suddenly, Leia heard something. Was it Han? No, it wasn't. Whoever it was, they seemed to have brought a lot of friends. She squinted to see who or what it was, but the road was very dusty. She gasped. Were they those breakfast pastries she had been thinking about? If not, what were they?

Leia heard something else. Soft music floated everywhere. What song is it, Leia thought. I've heard it, but not in a long time.

Leia squinted harder. She saw people running. What could they be running from besides the carnivorous pastries? She squinted as hard as she could, and could just make out a black suit and cape flowing. But... the rest of their outfits were white. Like... storm-troopers!

But who was leading them? All the Sith Lords were dead, and... wait, stormtroopers didn't even exist anymore! Leia squinted harder than she could, and she finally saw who was leading them. She stifled a gasp. She knew this man very well. She knew it was him. It was her father.

Darth Vader.

Leia screamed. Darth Vader and the stormtroopers were coming toward her house. She tried to find a place to hide, but there was no where. Soon the stormtroopers knocked so hard the door broke down. Darth Vader swept inside.

"Crank it up!" Darth Vader said. Now Leia noticed the boom box on his shoulder. A stormtrooper walked up and turned up the volume. Leia realized what music she'd been hearing-the Darth Vader theme song!

"Well, Leia Organa. We meet again," Vader said.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm married now. Now, I am Leia Solo," Leia said, trying to keep her hands from shaking.

"Very well, Leia. Surrender, and you will not suffer pain."

"Like you'll just leave me alone if I do surrender."

"Stormtroopers!" Darth Vader commanded. All the stormtroopers pointed their guns at Leia, who held her hands up in surrender.

"Ah, Miss Leia. I expected you to give up, now that we have your son," Darth Vader gloated.

"My son?" Leia cried. "You have Cheetos?"

"Who's Cheetos?" Vader asked, genuinely confused.

"Cheetos is my son, who you said you had!" Leia shouted.

"Ah, yes, your son," Vader said. "We attacked the ship with Luke, Han, and-I'll trust you on this one-_Cheetos _in it. They have all been killed."

"Why should I trust you?" Leia cried.

"Stormtrooper!" Darth Vader said again and one stepped forward. "Give me the report of the success on the attack on the _Millennium Falcon_!"

"They got away, My Lord," the stormtrooper said, voice trembling. "They went so fast... we couldn't keep up."

"YES!" Leia shouted with joy. "They got away! Oh, I am so much happier now!"

Darth Vader choked the stormtrooper, who was begging for mercy and powdered doughnuts.

"You shouldn't be," Vader said, gesturing to the stormtroopers. "Take her away!"

Leia backed up to the wall of the house as the stormtroopers advanced closer and closer to her.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Cheetos stood there looking stupid. He wondered how he would survive. Then he remembered the pack on his back, although he couldn't see how he could have forgotten it. It weighed about three tons more than he did.

Anyway, he looked inside it and saw the food his mother had packed, the water. His mother had been right, he did need this stuff, although he didn't know when he would need a sparkly pink diaper.

Cheetos wished Yoda was still alive. Then he wouldn't be so lonely. He almost wished his mother had packed herself. But then the pack would have weighed about three hundred pounds more than it already did. Oh, why was training so hard?

Cheetos didn't know what to do, so he sat down on some log. It must have been ten minutes before he noticed someone was sitting with him.

"Hey, dude, what's your name?" Cheetos asked the stranger, glad for some company.

"Yoda I am."

"Could you say that normally?"

"Yoda I am."

"Dude, stop, that's getting annoying!"

"Yoda I am."

"Quit it!"

"Yoda I am."

"Dude, you're saying it wrong. Look, you say, 'I am Yod-" Cheetos stopped and realized what he was saying. He looked at the little green figure, now standing on the log. Cheetos turned the other way and ran, screaming.

"Yoda I am."

Cheetos ran, his only desire to get away from the little green creature that had called itself YODA, for God's sake. He must have ran only about two hundred yards when he realized he'd left his pack behind. Darn it, Cheetos thought. No more water! No more food! No more sparkly pink diaper!

Cheetos was still running, when suddenly "Yoda" materialized in front of him, holding his pack. Cheetos skidded to a stop.

"Forgot this you did," he said, holding it up. Cheetos was stunned. He didn't run away.

"Thanks..." he said slowly, taking his heavy pack from the green figure who called himself Yoda. "Who are you really?"

"Yoda," the creature said simply.

"Ummm...no offense Yoda, but I thought you were dead," Cheetos said.

"Disturbance in the Force there was. Suddenly alive again I was! Know how it happened I did not," Yoda said.

Suddenly there was a rustling in the distance. Cheetos whirled around. "What was that?" he asked slowly.

"Know I do not," Yoda whispered. "But another disturbance in the Force there is."

There was another rustling, louder this time. Cheetos was starting to get just a tad bit scared. Okay, a lot bit scared. But he tried not to look it.

Suddenly, a black and red and very tattooed figure leapt out of the bushes.

"I AM DARTH MAUL!" it said. "I HAVE COME TO SEEK THE REVENGE!"

"Darth Maul?" Cheetos asked. "But I thought that he was like dead."

"Darth Maul it is," Yoda said, wielding a lightsaber. "But worry you must not. Protect you I will!" Cheetos highly doubted that something that small could protect him from something as big and powerful as Darth Maul, but he supposed that even when Yoda got killed, Darth Maul would be tired, hopefully, so he could get a head start on him.

But to Cheetos' surprise, Yoda fought with excellent speed and power. He kept jumping over Darth Maul and attempting a stab in the back. But Maul swooped in with his double-sided lightsaber, and Yoda was back to fighting again. The fight looked pretty evenly matched, until Darth Maul used the Force to knock down a tree that almost hit Yoda, whose foot got caught for a second. Yoda pulled his foot out, but he was injured, and wasn't able to fight as well or move as fast. Cheetos thought the battle was pretty much Darth Maul's victory until he remembered his mom telling him what to use if he was ever in trouble.

His cell phone.

Cheetos ran for his pack.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Leia groaned. She opened her eyes and immediately wished she hadn't. Her vision was incredibly blurry and she was seeing double. Squinting and trying to see better just made her head feel as though someone was pounding on it with a hammer. She felt terribly groggy.

Just then, Leia heard voices. What the heck is going on? she wondered. The last thing she remembered was Darth Vader with his boom box, telling a storm trooper to crank it up. Wait! A sudden thought crossed her mind. What if THEY had captured her? Then-two thoughts connected in her foggy brain-she had to get out of here! And-hadn't Vader mentioned something about Cheetos? No! Leia had to get to him! She opened her eyes and strained against bonds that seemed to have come out of nowhere.

The voices became louder as Leia's vision started to clear. Her one mission was to get out and get to Cheetos. Her little baby. Maybe I can get him a doughnut, Leia thought, her mind still in a sort of dream state. But that time quickly passed, and soon she saw that she was in a clear white room. Her hands were tied behind her back and her feet bound, and she was tied to the chair, too.

Suddenly, she heard the sound of the boom box and Darth Vader swept in, followed by some trusty stromtroopers. Leia couldn't read his mask to see if he was happy or sad, but she was guessing he was pretty happy. Wait, Leia remembered, isn't this guy supposed to be DEAD? Her thoughts were interrupted by the voice of Darth Vader.

"So, we meet yet again, Leia?" he said in his scratchy voice.

"Yeah, whatever," Leia said to him. She wanted to be mouthy and disrespectful, so then they might kill her quickly.

"We have subjected you to the worst torture ever. You will have to watch me dance to different songs." Vader explained.

Oh no! Leia thought. Not watching Darth Vader dance! That's the worst torture I've ever heard of!

"Ready for it?" Darth Vader asked teasingly. He set down his boom box and motioned for a stormtrooper to come forward. He then got into position and nodded for the stormtrooper to start the music.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Leia thought, her mind in a state of panic.

The stormtrooper turned on the boom box. Leia waited for the pain.

"When I walk through the doors, what do I see, but everyone stops and is staring at me. I got a passion in my pants and I'm not afraid to show it! show it!" the boom box played.

"I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!" Darth Vader was dancing. Leia was hurting. And far away, on the R2-D2 Vegetable Planet, Cheetos was trying to get to his cell phone.


End file.
